Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
