You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
