There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
