i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
