I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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