And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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