I think my vagina is haunted
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
