Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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