I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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