Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
