Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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