just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
