the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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