i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
How drunk are you?
Completed.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
