Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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