That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
