We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
