I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
