my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
