1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Fuck me I smell like cheese
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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