I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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