Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
