I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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