I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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