Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Duck Duck Cougar?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
3 2 1 whiskey
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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