Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
