Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
