he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
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Do I have a choice?
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He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
