Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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