dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I want to fling myself into the sun
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
