She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
