I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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