those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
