Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
