Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Say something about gay babies.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
