Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
