i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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