wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
