if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦â€â™€ï¸
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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