When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
