:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
