i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
