i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
