i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
