Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
