I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
