maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
