my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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