I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Never let your siblings swipe right.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
