it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
