This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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