First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
