Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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